My life has not all been a joy ride. The greatest and most humbling gift I can bring is being transparent with you, that I have had to take the journey through my own personal shadowlands to be here today.
I started this lifetime as an early Indigo in a sleepy suburb outside Chicago. I was a wounded, wild, insecure, power-mad suicidal girl who landed herself in a mental hospital at 16 years of age. I was ready to heal and face it all back in those days, but people awakening to the truth of our world and to who they truly are was rare and misunderstood largely in the early 60s, as it still is in many domains today.
When I told my psychiatrist I could all but hear a little voice within me but, if he would help me hear it, I just knew I could find my true self. He told me I was a mad girl and needed long term psychoanalysis to cure myself. Hearing voices in his strict medical education was a form of insanity. I spent a long dark winter on his couch listening to him take notes as I lay hallucinating on his ceiling.
As the apple blossoms of spring burst forth, that little voice within informed me that my good doctor knew nothing about how to help me heal myself. I terminated my relationship with psychiatry then, left crying as he scolded me for running away from his authority. Something in me knew he was one of the walking dead and had no knowledge of the path to self-liberation or sanity. He was there to fix people so they could be dutiful workers in the slave system. It had nothing to do with freedom of our authenticity to embody our sovereignty whatsoever.
Moving to San Francisco
I made my way to San Francisco at 20, all by myself. Waking up that first morning to an earthquake, I found the strength to take a taxi to the Haight Ashbury. It was shortly after the 1967 Summer of Love. Drugs had sadly infiltrated that wave of awakening that had thousands dancing in the streets with love and freedom in their hearts. I did not know about the controllers of this realm back then or what measures they would go to to shut down the love light rising.
Hells Angels on coke wandered hippy hill. Everyone was stoned. But that little voice within brought me joy through the duality circus even then. I basked in the sun of California amazed at the music at the Fillmore, the organic food and delights in the shops, and the many events that brought us out to move with nature and embrace our bliss with one another. It was a phenomenal time for so many until it got co-opted.
I was a lost gypsy girl called by a divine spark, a voice that never abandoned me, heralding me to a new promise for myself and humanity. I stumbled down the yellow brick road, a voyager riding the edge, jumping off a cliff after cliff seeking answers. During those incredible years, a lot of mind-blowing creativity and visions were spontaneously born out of the call from our Mother Planet to unite and love again. The Summer of Love was a real wave from a real being, Mother Earth, as she brought her love to open us to her divine feminine power to rebalance our world.
I am sad to say that the wave that Mother Earth gave was not comprehended by many, but it got the attention of the controllers and was taken over. I was there to experience the wild expanding experiments in consciousness that promised to birth a new world, of love and justice on Earth 5 decades ago. I, and many of my brothers and sisters, savored the visions and cantered across fields of promise indulging in the highs and enduring the many devastating lows as the magic circus met manipulation and massive interference. Diving into communities, co-operatives, techniques, schools, metaphysics, healers, therapists, counselors, educators, visionaries, psychics, channelers, and mentors.
I learned a lot, but my questions only multiplied. Something was not being fully addressed sufficiently to manifest a different result from the same old suppressive greed-based control grid I was hoping to flee. I was compelled to ask the question, "What is really going on here?"
Uncovering our complicity
I had vowed to myself – when I left my family, friends and life in Chicago – that one day I would be able to return to that mental ward where my roommates could not remember their own names after shock therapy with some real healing. Love was not permitted in those psychiatric hospitals where troubled souls are still locked away and drugged within our mental health system.
In San Francisco, I earned a Master’s Degree in Psychology and became a 'professional' working in psychiatric hospitals in New Zealand and elsewhere. My time going back into the system, and my hippy days earlier, all brought me to the same conclusion...
We have to find new authentic means to heal ourselves and break free from the control grid, because it is living inside all of us. We ALL carry the virus, and we have to find a real cure.
I longed to face that truth. It was beyond my ability to bring people back to themselves in those institutional environments. And the New Age movement birthed from the 60s did not address the nature of the trauma-based mind control fear and the massive war on our consciousness that grows stronger as we deny our complicity with it.
I was compelled to face that our current state of complicity with the hidden controllers had to be understood and that we needed to find to finally break free.
My shadowland journey & healing
I was blessed with mentors who were radical revolutionaries and offered truth, love and support that I had never known before. This support helped me to begin the real road to integration diving deep into my shadowlands. Here, I glimpsed a truth that could only be found beyond the artificial construct of control, lies and enslavement...
I realized that I was the one who was keeping my inner sickness alive. It was all an inside job.
I did need others at times, on the path to embody their own truth, to act as mirrors and not to interfere. I did not need someone to fix me, but I did need others to encourage me to be accountable for my own shadows and heal them.
I saw that it was me who had cleverly and purposefully hidden me away. And I needed to love that self within me that had cut me from life, and kept me impotent to build the life I dreamed of. I had disassociated myself from myself in order to survive abuse. I had neglected my needs and abandoned my gifts. What has grown in the place of the true me did not embody truth, integrity, sanity, joy, love, or sovereignty. I believed in my denial and was invested in perpetuating a system of enslavement and lies without even knowing it was me who had the power to end all this.
I discovered parts of myself that were deeply complicit with dark controlling agendas. My book, Stealing The Moon, depicts all this. I wrote it as a book of creative non-fiction. But, Dr. Natalie Stern (its anti-hero) depicted the saga of my awakening, facing and unearthing the multi-dimensional collusion that had me tied in knots over lifetimes.
What I discovered was that I had become a dark sister who was unconsciously acting from programs that were destructive to myself and others. I resisted this as Aysha Love, a very dedicated mentor, helped me past my blind spots where a fuller truth was waiting. What I discovered opened fresh awareness and birthed a liberating process that has paved the way to ride the waves of shift, finally breaking the chains.
Recently another layer has surfaced with the wise mentorship of Anaiis Salles, for which I am eternally grateful.
The birth of Shadow Synthesis
My shadow work course, Quantum Disentanglement (previously called Shadow Synthesis), was born from the process I undertook to break free from the construct of control and find healing.
Am I now perfect, sitting on a throne, telling others how to heal? Hell no. Healing happens in layers, over time. I continue to heal as I mid-wife others through their own shadow work process.
Over the last eight years, I have facilitated shadow work for many others, with remarkable transformative results. This process has allowed many to liberate themselves so they could find greater peace, health, wealth and happiness.
Thank you for hearing my story.